It's been a while...

Yes, it's been a long time since I last blogged. I can't sleep tonight because I slept too much in the daytime. Maybe it's also because I've got a lot on my mind right now. Things are not heading in a bad direction, but they are not heading in any direction either. What about graduation? Okay...that's a little further away. How about declaring my major? Sigh. I don't even know when I will be able to do that. Anyway, I should do well this quarter and then seriously do well during summer sessions. Then, I can declare my major. Then, I will be heading the right direction. I am not too worried about the future. I know if I put my faith in God, He will lead me into a right future, not a good one, but the right one.

Sometimes, I think that I am there for certain people, but they are not there for me. I want to find somewhere that I fit in and feel belonged to. Why is it so hard? Some people are the center of the attention, yet they complain being invisible? Well, then maybe I don't even exist in this case. I honestly don't mind being in the background, but I would like to feel like I am a part of the group too. Being social is not easy. It takes certain personalities and skills to deal with situations. I am not sure if I want to be the "social" type of person. Afterall, popularity isn't what I desire for. What I want is genuine friednships; people who cherish my love and company. I want to feel needed but at the same time, I want to have people who I can turn to when I need the love and company too. Is it too much to ask for?

Okay, let's talk about my health. What about my health? I am not in charged. I should be in charged and I should monitor it, but I am too weak, mentally weak. Maybe it's a good idea to remind myself that if I don't deal with it, I may die. Is that enough of an incentive for me to take care of myself? I don't know. Maybe I should just remind myself that there are people out there that can't accept my chronic health problem. Maybe that's an even bigger incentive.

That reminds me, a lot of people can't see me for who I really am. They can't see me pass the surface. My so-far-entire-life has been judged based on my appearance, my grades, my health...really? What about my kindness, my empathy, my compassion, my caring? I know I don't have much to offer, but can someone please see me beyond the surface? Get to know me? Maybe I am judging myself for who I am more than anyone else. This is bad.

I don't want to live in Davis anymore. I want to move on and have a new life, new friends, new circles. I want to try things over again. I want to leave behind the ugly, horrible, sad past I had in Davis. Take the good memories with and leave behind the bad ones. Yes, that's what I am gonna do. That will be my incentive to study hard.

I really want to be different. I cannot accept myself for who I am. I want every bit of me gone and change into something new. I don't mind being a pretty bitch, or a smart nerdy girl. I just don't like the person inside my body.

This is my depression talking...I know.