I guess I will talk about work first. I have always thought that working would be a lot easier and better than going to school. I still stand by that. At least, after work, I really do feel less stressed and worried. But, school does offer more freedom such as a flexible schedule and mobility. It sounds funny, why mobility? Well, in an office setting, I can hardly move around. At school, I could walk to classes, walk to the M.U. (for food), walk to the bookstore or the library, etc. At work, I have my cubicle and that's it. Also, at school, we learn for our own good (well, of course that wasn't the mentality when I was at school), I have only realized that when I begin to work. It's true. At work, you try to give it all you can. Do everything in and exceed your ability, but you don't learn much in return. So more loss, less gain. At school, you gain information more or less, and whether or not you care about the subjects or the courses. I am certainly not gaining much knowledge, at the same time, I am gaining more weight. At least when I was in school, I could go to the gym (again, I wasn't thinking the same when I was in school). I only now realize how important it is to be able to find time to exercise. Okay, now, you may think I am only bullshitting because we can always find time to exercise, no? Wrong. Someone like me, wakes up at 6:45 am and doesn't get to go home 'till 7:00 pm. Then, I must sleep before 10 pm in order to function the next day. It is truly impossible to workout during the weekdays. Maybe Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Anyway, the point is, when I was in school, it was very possible and flexible to workout. I miss that.
Okay, moving on. Life in general. Well, I admit I am a true complainer. I know everything I am about to say is gonna sound so negative, but oh well, that's how I feel about my life right now. I am totally lacking a love life, a romance. I don't think I am desperate because I have turned people down. The only reason I am concerned is because I missed what I had. I truly missed what I had with the last person and the reality doesn't allow me to go on with it. It's sad and against my will to give up but I have to because I have no choice. I wish to have a romantic relationship with someone I love and in return, the person feels the same. I guess, it is a very difficult thing and it is fate. I have always thought that when two people were in love, nothing else mattered. Yes, everything plays a factor in a relationship after the passion wears out, or even before the passion wears out. For example, illness. I didn't know, honestly, I did not think it mattered. I am ready for a new relationship but at the same time I cannot let go of the past relationship. I am standing in my own comfort zone and not willing to let go. So, the truth is, I am not ready for a new relationship. Maybe I really do need to learn to accept loneliness as a part of my daily life. Maybe I should spend more time learning about myself and improving myself. Learn to live not for the happiness of others but the happiness of myself. I know it sounds selfish but I think it's what I need at the moment.
I read my last entry about self-image. Well, it's just an ongoing problem. I don't feel the pressure to lose weight, but I want to, like always. I envy people who can wear beautiful clothes. I want to lose weight but I don't have self-discipline and patience. I need fast result, which is impossible and vastly dangerous. I know how dangerous it is to have anorexia, but I see the fast result in those people. To be frank, I really really want to try it. I think I must be sick. My mentality is very unhealthy at the moment. At the same time, I am not so worried about myself though. I have no self-discipline and I always give in for food, how will I ever become an anorexic.
I am gonna stop here. After all, who wants to know about my life but myself. I am my own audience here.
