Another day?

那天我不敢將愛燃燒 等不了
原來這個決定太渺小
花火不再燃燒 故事完了
原來這個故事結局已分曉

要整個天空火化燃燒 等不了
誰不惜將愛掩蓋抹掉
偏不將愛燃燒 故事完了
為何想作決定故事變完了
誰人說 等不了

- By Mr.

I am listening to this song and feeling kinda depressed again.

I try, I really do, to lift up my moods. It's annoying when people see you as a depressive person.

Looking at my grades, I am so disgusted with them. I wish I could start my college life all over again.

Of course, it's just unrealistic and waste of effort to think that time could reverse.

Anyway, I just want to make a point that I don't know what to do with life sometimes.

Don't we all feel that? Sometimes, we are optimistic enough to pursue our dreams and devote to life.

Then, sometimes we are frustrated and hopeless and feel as if it's the end of the world.

I don't know who I am, what I want to do, what kind of a person I am, I just don't know...why do I feel so lost?

I want to find something to live for, a better tomorrow? a marriage? a mission?

These questions should be asked when I was 15 or 16, not now.

What happened to my growth and maturity? I feel as if I had a set back and just became immature.

I always think, what is going to happen when I have a tumor in my brain?

Would my parents care as much as my aunt cared about my cousin? The only son she had?

I would think without a doubt that my parents would care for my brother, but I am uncertain they would care about me.

Doesn't it suck a lot when you just sit around all day, thinking why my parents don't love me.

I feel so bad, so emotional that ah leung's father passed away and the loving relationship they had.

What about my father? I don't think I would shred a tear for him if he passed away, and not my step-dad either.

In fact, my favorite person had passed away, which is my grandmother.

Death, what is it like to be dead? I thought I wasn't fear of dying, but I am.

I am afraid of dead animals, people. How would something so lively suddenly lost its life?

Sometimes, I want to end my life, but then I know some people will be hurt deeply if I do so.

Does it serve me as a purpose to live? Maybe.

I am not letting go of anything in the past. I can't let go people who hurt my feelings. I just can't.

I don't want to see them, talk to them, know their news. Just completely out of sight, out of mind.

I am simply running away from my problems, my fears. Hate that I can't face them.

Don't want them to hold back my life forever. Don't want to be the one who's feeling the tension and anxiety.

Midterm tomorrow, I mean today

Reductionism

Anthropomorphism

Behaviorism

Holism

Way too many -ism.

What to do...

My cognitive level is so low, I can't think straight and will discriminate people - According to my social psychology class.

Film Study Paper

So, for the first paper, I picked Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix to write about the cinematography and such. I absolutely love the Harry Potter series but when I have to dig deep and write about it, it loses interest. I can only pick a 2mins. scene to write about, no more than 15 shots. The limitation drives the paper to be even more boring than it already is. I finish the first part of the paper and now I am brain-farting and having a writer's block. I wonder what's gonna happen for the next two paper I have to write about. Ironically, I am writing my blog when I am having a writer's block. :P

It's so easy to write about what's in your mind than something you have to spend time to construct. A paranoid freak like me gets all anxious when writing an academic paper, always seeking for perfectionism. Eventually, the perfectionism just turns to procrastination. I learned it the hard way last quarter.

Anyway, I really want to buy a plane ticket and go back to HK. I wonder if I would be able to get a job there. The media would be an interesting place to start because I never consider any artistic activity as work. I can fully engaged when it comes to music and design. Maybe I can be a teacher although my patience is pretty short. Who knows? It's funny how I desperately wanted to leave HK when I was 13 and now I desperately want to go back and visit. Sometimes I wonder, would I enjoy the fast paced life in HK? Am I able to take all the criticisms and judgement from people about my appearance? But then, after all, I am not the abnormal one. It's not a crime to be not-so-skinny. It's sick how every girl is running away, trying to skip meals and be "skinny". I have no problem accepting the idea of healthy lifestyle and if that's the purpose, yes, I will do it. I will never do it for the sake of being like everybody else. Uniqueness shows characteristics. Haha, am I lying to myself? Okay, who doesn't want to be pretty, but definitely not the extreme way of diet or anyway...I will go on and on.

Financial crisis, yes, it's happening not only to the stock market, but definitely to me. I got my paycheck today and it's not beautiful. After the salary tax, I can barely pay the credit card bill. This is the saddest part of life. Would it be nice that we won't have to worry about money? Yes, that would be nice.

Oh well...life is always life. That's why we have to find the fun parts of live and enjoy!

Thanks to RubberBand, my week is going beautifully with encouraging music everyday.

I cannot stop listening to them.

Every song is unique.

Personal favorites: 小涼伴, 一早地下鐵, 遊車河, 阿波羅

New Year Thoughts

Don't we all want to be a superman/superwoman? Save the world, make the world peaceful? New year, I often heard, "May the world be peaceful!"How exactly do we do that? As I grow, the realization comes to me that it's impossible to have a peaceful world. There are always disagreements between people, conflict of interest, quarrels, fights...not to mention wars and other social problems. I am not being pessimist, it's just a reality that happens everyday.

On a personal basis, I am glad that 2009 has been done and gone. I've had better year. I know I have a negative attitudes toward many aspects of life, but I hope to do better this year. So I have been hearing, "forget it", "let it go", "don't hold on to it", "don't let it affect your life"...truth is, yes, I do hold on to my conflicts, I do hold a grudge toward people who have been bad to me. Is it so hard to let go? No, but it isn't easy, either. I know God has a place for me and I have to empty myself and let Him fill me in. On one end, it is a matter of letting go and allow God to take hold of my life. On the other end, it's a battle between self and dignity. A long term suppression of anger finally breaks out. It's not so easy to forgive and forgive those who try to take the last bit of my kindness away. I will not be the target, I will not be the punching bag. Of course, this is the challenge that I will continue to face in 2010.

School, I need to graduate. Still need to take the finals from last quarters *great, carry-over*. Honestly, is it that I don't push myself enough or I push too hard and backfired? The tactic this year is too relax and at the same time, attempt everything possible. Relax means not to worry so much about the grade *I worried since the first day of the quarter* and not to stress out too much. Attempt everything possible means no more skipping class, no more excuses to do works...etc. I need to do everything in my power to achieve the best.

Tonight, I had a great time, but beyond the happy face, there's still a emptied, disappointed, depressed heart like always. I do believe that I am a happy person deep down, that is, deep deep deep down. Happiness is buried down lots and lots of misfortunes and miseries. Not trying to blame anything or anyone. Someday, I will come out.

Lately, Happy Twenty-Ten!

Let the new page begins~