It's been a while...

It's been I-don't-know-how-long when I last wrote a blog entry. I hope from now on I will write everyday because I am feeling more and more isolated. At least this way, I can still process some of my feelings without being completely overwhelmed with negativity.

I guess I will talk about work first. I have always thought that working would be a lot easier and better than going to school. I still stand by that. At least, after work, I really do feel less stressed and worried. But, school does offer more freedom such as a flexible schedule and mobility. It sounds funny, why mobility? Well, in an office setting, I can hardly move around. At school, I could walk to classes, walk to the M.U. (for food), walk to the bookstore or the library, etc. At work, I have my cubicle and that's it. Also, at school, we learn for our own good (well, of course that wasn't the mentality when I was at school), I have only realized that when I begin to work. It's true. At work, you try to give it all you can. Do everything in and exceed your ability, but you don't learn much in return. So more loss, less gain. At school, you gain information more or less, and whether or not you care about the subjects or the courses. I am certainly not gaining much knowledge, at the same time, I am gaining more weight. At least when I was in school, I could go to the gym (again, I wasn't thinking the same when I was in school). I only now realize how important it is to be able to find time to exercise. Okay, now, you may think I am only bullshitting because we can always find time to exercise, no? Wrong. Someone like me, wakes up at 6:45 am and doesn't get to go home 'till 7:00 pm. Then, I must sleep before 10 pm in order to function the next day. It is truly impossible to workout during the weekdays. Maybe Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Anyway, the point is, when I was in school, it was very possible and flexible to workout. I miss that.

Okay, moving on. Life in general. Well, I admit I am a true complainer. I know everything I am about to say is gonna sound so negative, but oh well, that's how I feel about my life right now. I am totally lacking a love life, a romance. I don't think I am desperate because I have turned people down. The only reason I am concerned is because I missed what I had. I truly missed what I had with the last person and the reality doesn't allow me to go on with it. It's sad and against my will to give up but I have to because I have no choice. I wish to have a romantic relationship with someone I love and in return, the person feels the same. I guess, it is a very difficult thing and it is fate. I have always thought that when two people were in love, nothing else mattered. Yes, everything plays a factor in a relationship after the passion wears out, or even before the passion wears out. For example, illness. I didn't know, honestly, I did not think it mattered. I am ready for a new relationship but at the same time I cannot let go of the past relationship. I am standing in my own comfort zone and not willing to let go. So, the truth is, I am not ready for a new relationship. Maybe I really do need to learn to accept loneliness as a part of my daily life. Maybe I should spend more time learning about myself and improving myself. Learn to live not for the happiness of others but the happiness of myself. I know it sounds selfish but I think it's what I need at the moment.

I read my last entry about self-image. Well, it's just an ongoing problem. I don't feel the pressure to lose weight, but I want to, like always. I envy people who can wear beautiful clothes. I want to lose weight but I don't have self-discipline and patience. I need fast result, which is impossible and vastly dangerous. I know how dangerous it is to have anorexia, but I see the fast result in those people. To be frank, I really really want to try it. I think I must be sick. My mentality is very unhealthy at the moment. At the same time, I am not so worried about myself though. I have no self-discipline and I always give in for food, how will I ever become an anorexic.

I am gonna stop here. After all, who wants to know about my life but myself. I am my own audience here.

Summer Time

Although summer break is merely a week, I would really use this time to relax and do some personal projects. I love that I can read without worrying about my pace. This is what reading is all about -- read for pleasure. I also like to listen to Chinese radio station at the same time. It reminds me of my childhood in Hong Kong. I would stay in my room for a long time just read and listen to the radio. The peace I had was indescribable.

This past week was bittersweet for me. I was happy to see other people graduate but at the same time, it hurts to see that I am not graduating yet. I know God has a plan for me, but I am not sure if I am on the right path. Anyway, I will study hard this summer session. I will graduate! This is my goal! This is my NUMBER ONE goal for now.

My body image problem is getting worse. I cannot look at myself without passing the judgment. I wish I could see it as "just my body" instead of "fat". I will do something about it. I am not gonna lie, I know I am lazy. I should work harder to maintain my shape and I should pay closer attention to my diet. Afterall, if I do that, my diabetes will get better.

I can't wait for Friday to come. I am going to Monterey Bay with Henry and Calvin. It's gonna be fun and relaxing. Oh oh I wanna see so many aquatic animals!!!! :D YAY!!

Life is full of obstacles.

I know...don't we all know?

I don't know what to do to get myself out of this.

Once again, I go back to the darkness, the sadness, the loneliness.

Save me, before it's too late.

I am so weak.

Stupid emotions take over me, have control over me.

I want to die.

Life

We all think about life in different ways. Some think about money, some think about job, some think about marriage, some think about whatever they want to think about.

My friend told me how much he hated his past, how he wish he could do things all over again. Don't we all wish that we could go back in time and change our mistakes. But what does that mean? We learned. We are the people we are today from what we had learned in the past and the mistakes we made yesterday. Without regrets, life is a meaningless process. How did we even know we lived? A perfect life is boring, tasteless and meaningless.

It's been a while...

Yes, it's been a long time since I last blogged. I can't sleep tonight because I slept too much in the daytime. Maybe it's also because I've got a lot on my mind right now. Things are not heading in a bad direction, but they are not heading in any direction either. What about graduation? Okay...that's a little further away. How about declaring my major? Sigh. I don't even know when I will be able to do that. Anyway, I should do well this quarter and then seriously do well during summer sessions. Then, I can declare my major. Then, I will be heading the right direction. I am not too worried about the future. I know if I put my faith in God, He will lead me into a right future, not a good one, but the right one.

Sometimes, I think that I am there for certain people, but they are not there for me. I want to find somewhere that I fit in and feel belonged to. Why is it so hard? Some people are the center of the attention, yet they complain being invisible? Well, then maybe I don't even exist in this case. I honestly don't mind being in the background, but I would like to feel like I am a part of the group too. Being social is not easy. It takes certain personalities and skills to deal with situations. I am not sure if I want to be the "social" type of person. Afterall, popularity isn't what I desire for. What I want is genuine friednships; people who cherish my love and company. I want to feel needed but at the same time, I want to have people who I can turn to when I need the love and company too. Is it too much to ask for?

Okay, let's talk about my health. What about my health? I am not in charged. I should be in charged and I should monitor it, but I am too weak, mentally weak. Maybe it's a good idea to remind myself that if I don't deal with it, I may die. Is that enough of an incentive for me to take care of myself? I don't know. Maybe I should just remind myself that there are people out there that can't accept my chronic health problem. Maybe that's an even bigger incentive.

That reminds me, a lot of people can't see me for who I really am. They can't see me pass the surface. My so-far-entire-life has been judged based on my appearance, my grades, my health...really? What about my kindness, my empathy, my compassion, my caring? I know I don't have much to offer, but can someone please see me beyond the surface? Get to know me? Maybe I am judging myself for who I am more than anyone else. This is bad.

I don't want to live in Davis anymore. I want to move on and have a new life, new friends, new circles. I want to try things over again. I want to leave behind the ugly, horrible, sad past I had in Davis. Take the good memories with and leave behind the bad ones. Yes, that's what I am gonna do. That will be my incentive to study hard.

I really want to be different. I cannot accept myself for who I am. I want every bit of me gone and change into something new. I don't mind being a pretty bitch, or a smart nerdy girl. I just don't like the person inside my body.

This is my depression talking...I know.

i just don't understand....NOOOO

This is absolutely frustrating...here I am at the library, 24 hour session, trying to finish the stupid research paper because I cannot focus at home.

I thought:

1. The area is open (I guess I am a bit claustrophobic)

2. The lighting is bright, that makes me awake and can see things the readings better

3. QUIET, I thought the place would be nice and quiet so I can FOCUS since I am so very easily distracted.

4. No TV, no distraction

AND...I am WRONG!!!!

1. One group of people start talking loudly, then others follow. You know how that is right? Let me explain. One group starts talking, but because the whole room is quiet, they may whisper instead of talk out loud. Then, if another group start to whisper as well, the noise starts to build up. Then, they no need to whisper, they can talk because their noise is covered by another group's noise. More and more people start to talk louder, some talk on cellphone, some talk to friends and giggles.

2. This one is ridiculous. This guy, who's sitting in front of me, has no intention whatsoever to study. Since I've entered the room, he hasn't stopped laughing. He stares at his laptop and just keeps laughing. He tries to hold his laughter, which makes things worse because he just shakes the whole table. Every so minute, he laughs...WTF, GO HOME if you want entertainment. STOP bothering people around you!! How INCONSIDERATE!!!!!

3. A group of girls who speak Cantonese talk so loud next to me. It's not that I have anything against people who speak Cantonese, but really I don't want to know your private life nor am I interested in it. So, why not keep your secrets and gossips out of the study room?? How about getting a gossip room????

I NEED TO TURN IN MY PAPER...PLEASE PEOPLE, USE THE ROOM TO STUDY, NOT TO TALK, GOSSIP OR LAUGH AT STUPID VIDEOS...FUCK

Simple life

I do quite enjoy my quiet and low-key lifestyle...at least to me I am low-key.
Some days, I enjoy the sunny weather.
Some days, I taste the sweetness in water.
Some days, I clean my apartment.
Some days, I kiss my love.
Some days, I cook tasty food.
Some days, I sip a little soda.
Some days, I listen to my favorite music.
Some days, I dance a little.

Isolation is not the goal, but who says my life is all about popularity and involvement of people?
I do quite enjoy my time alone to think through life.

Though, TWO is always better than one. =)